I'm sorry, Mary

I called you the other day

From across the country

And didn't realize I was calling you.

I thought I was calling the person sitting next to you,

But I wasn't. I was calling you.

It's funny.

I have started to notice,

That there is a story line to the universe,

Like we are in a show, and we all have roles to play.

Except we are not actors,

So maybe its like a game, not show.

That's why I must always have hated role-playing video games.

There's a best action, meaning

The action with the best results. I think my life was

Going poorly because of a deliberate refusal

To do that

Because I am arrogant and

Valued success and happiness less than control over my own life

So I would end up screaming at the sky

And always here the same thing

Amanda, why are you doing this? Just do the right thing.

But, I never would because the right thing was hard,

and I wanted keep doing the wrong thing and have it go right.

So, I would keep fighting, treading water and not moving,

Swimming in the same direction

going NOWHERE

screaming at the water

Because obviously its the water's fault

BEND TO MY WILL, DAMN IT.

When I asked,

Why does nothing go right in my life,

I was really asking Why can't things go

Exactly how I want them to.

Well, I think I figured out the answer,

I think it might be because

Their is a plan where at the end everything reaches the best outcome,

If everyone makes the best choice.

Or it reaches the closest possible thing because everyone isn't always going to do that.

So when I got a phone call,

From my mom's father's wife

I thought about how that's what I call her,

and how she married my grandfather knowing

He had kids,

And she never made it a point

to separate herself from them or their children.

So she must want to be a part of us.

And, I thought about how that would feel,

if I was her, and I was treated like I was trying to

replace my grandma.

She wasn't, she was just trying to be my grandfather's wife

and be her own little part of the alter

native family that was hers.

But we wouldn't let her have that, so she probably

first got sad and then got mad

just like I would do.

And, that makes me very sad. Like I am feeling what she felt.

So I talked to her, and let her know I know that

And she cried and thanked me.

How many people have I attacked when they wanted a hug?

I am going to try not to attack anymore.